


Softly, in the Shadows

by SamJoinedtheReconCorps



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, BY THE LIGHT, Blow Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Smut, i have no one to blame for this but myself, like the circumstances of plot lead to this moment, oh boy, post ep 99
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 01:47:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24785671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SamJoinedtheReconCorps/pseuds/SamJoinedtheReconCorps
Summary: Essek struggles to settle in to trance again after Jester's message - he's already so nervous about the peace talks, that even the slightest change leaves him uneasy and on edge.Then Caleb shows up at his door, devastation in the curve of his lips, forcing Essek to face something he's been skirting around for much longer than he'd dare to admit.
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 45
Kudos: 373





	Softly, in the Shadows

**Author's Note:**

> so, first of all, i'd like to thank the lovely Anadyomena for inspiring this idea with a comment they made on another [Shadowgast fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23872966/chapters/57385546) I'm writing - because man, that comment sent me down this rabbit hole and here we are now!!
> 
> this work was also influenced by [Bastille's Those Nights](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmKegP2pXW8) because man i had a very vague idea for this based on the comment but then i heard this song as i was running an errand and i was like Holy Shit this is Shadowgast
> 
> this is my first time writing smut, like actually getting to the smut part - since [Tusk Love Redeux](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182549/chapters/55490983) has yet to reach that bit yet, but fuck man I was really outta my mind thinking about tackling smut for the first time with AN OT3 (i will finish Redeux soon tho I promise)
> 
> anyway, this takes place a little while after the conversation on the deck of the Balleater where Veth and Beau talk about punishing Essek and then Caleb stays out on the deck as everyone goes to bed...and well, he decides to give our little drow a visit
> 
> I really, really, really hope you guys like it because this was so astronomically nervewracking to write and kudos to all the people who write smut out there because FUCK MAN this was wild

Settling in to trance after Jester’s message had proven much harder than Essek had originally thought. Losing his focus like that was sometimes easy to bounce back from, especially when he was as exhausted as he was what with all the peace negotiations going on - however, because of those same exact peace talks he was also nervous and on edge. Anything could go wrong that could not only upend the negotiations, but which could also expose him and lead to his subsequent capture and punishment. Even though he had faith in his arcane abilities, all he would ever be able to do was buy himself more time if the full might of the Dynasty was ever after him.

He shivered at the thought. He hoped it never came to that.

Turning to lay on his back, Essek traced the gentle curve of the fabrics that hung over his bed with his eyes. They were draped over the four posters at the corner of his bed, hooked to the ceiling right above the center of his bed. It left everything perfectly symmetrical - but also allowed for a hint of chance. Not every piece of fabric fell in quite the same way, even if they were cut from the same cloth. It gave him a chance to admire every slope and line, to take in the softness as it contrasted with the Vermaloc wood frame.

But tonight this wouldn’t do. His mind was too cluttered with worries for the usual comforts of his room to help calm him.

With a sigh, Essek sat up, waving a hand to open up the fabric curtains of his bed. They moved silently, allowing him to slip out. He considered casting his levitation spell for a second before he decided to simply walk. There was no one here to keep appearances for. With another wave of his hand he casts  _ prestidigitation _ , lighting the smattering of candles he has around his room. The lanterns on the wall would cast too much light, would be much too bright for his somber thoughts. The candles felt much more fitting.

Moving to his desk he thinks he might as well get some more work done before that idea quickly sours in his mind. He’d much rather know that these negotiations will settle favorably before he dedicates more time to a career he may no longer even have for much longer.

That, however, leaves him with little else to do - so he decides he might as well head to his kitchen for some water or some wine, just anything to keep him busy for a few minutes. Just some sort of tenable goal that he can accomplish for tonight.

Essek leaves his quarters, crossing over the walkway that connects his personal chambers with his middle tower. From there, it's just a short walk downstairs and through the sitting room to reach the kitchen.

The pitcher of water sits where it always does, and it's as he’s hunting down for a glass when he hears it - a faint knock on his front door.

He stops moving - and there it is again, a quiet knock reverberating through the silence of his tower.

Even as a tight ball of nerves settles in the pit of his stomach, Essek slowly makes his way to his front door. He runs through his prepared repertoire of spells - cursing himself internally for limiting himself to only verbal and somatic spells as he’s left all of his components in his room - before he takes a deep breath, reclaiming his usual air, and opens the door.

“- Caleb?” Essek gets out, and the sight of him at his door punches the breath out of his lungs.

“ _ Hallo _ ,” Caleb quietly greets, shifting uneasily from foot to foot. He’s avoiding Essek’s gaze, looking stubbornly at the door frame. “I, ah, was hoping I could talk - to you.”

“Oh, that’s -” Essek moves aside, gesturing for Caleb to come in. As Caleb hesitantly walks past, Essek notices that the gate that rings his property is still shut as it normally is.

“It’s not that high,” Caleb says, keeping pace with Essek’s thoughts. And while it should annoy him to seem so transparent, his heart instead misses a beat as he’s reminded how well Caleb has gotten to know him. It misses a beat as he’s reminded that Caleb is the first to truly know him.

Essek shuts the door, leaning his back against the wood as he watches Caleb stand uneasily in his foyer. With a quick sigil drawn in the air Essek summons some of the furniture that usually sits neatly against the wall to it's places in the sitting room, drawing two chairs and the coffee table to arrange itself comfortably and lighting a lantern as well. “Please,” Essek motions, finally stepping away from the door. “Have a seat.”

Caleb nods once, moving to take one of the chairs almost mechanically, sitting on the very edge as if he were waiting to be kicked out at a moment’s notice. His hands shake where he has them bunched into fists in his lap, and his head hangs forward, his bright hair hiding his eyes. Despite being in his usual clothes, he looks completely disheveled, out of place -  _ scared _ .

“Is everything alright?” Essek quietly asks, taking two hesitant steps forward.

Flinching at the movement, Caleb turns his face completely away from Essek. “ _ Ja _ , just - I just wanted to check on you.”

Despite Essek’s initial hurt at Caleb’s reaction, warmth flutters in Essek’s chest as the nervousness in his stomach unravels. Although Caleb has the genius to weave words to his command, when it comes to matters of the heart...well, Essek can relate.

“The night of Rosohna must be a great change to the nights out at sea,” Essek comments, trying to fill the silence. He can’t stop looking at the way Caleb’s hands shake. “Would you like something to drink? Perhaps some tea?”

“Tea,” Caleb starts, meeting Essek’s gaze for only a glance. “Sounds nice.”

Essek nods. “I’ll be just a moment.”

Heading into the kitchen, Essek gives up his search on a glass to instead hunt down two tea cups. The best he can do is two mugs, and not even of the same set, but he doesn’t think Caleb will mind too much. He fills them both with water from the pitcher, warming the water quickly with  _ prestidigitation _ before he finds a lime blossom blend. He steeps the herbs in the water, adding a dollop of honey to each cup before he returns to the sitting room.

Caleb hasn’t moved a breath.

“It is not as good as what Caduceus can make,” Essek tells him, both to try and start a conversation and so that Caleb can hear his approach. He holds out the mug to Caleb. “But it is a blend I am partial to.”

“ _ Danke _ ,” Caleb says, taking the mug from Essek. He takes a small sip as Essek takes the other chair, but after that Caleb simply holds the mug between his hands.

Silence settles around them, with Essek only taking sips from his drink for lack of anything else to do as Caleb stares into his tea.

“They want to punish you,” Caleb blurts out, finally meeting Essek’s eyes.

Essek starts at his words as the silence in the room shatters, feeling a lump jump to his throat as he sets his mug down. He’s certainly not surprised to find that out - but he is surprised to realize how much it hurts to actually hear it.

He stands, trying to construct his face into the blank mask he’s perfected over the years despite the unshed tears that burn in the back of his eyes. He avoids Caleb’s gaze.

“Well, if that is all you wanted to tell me,” Essek starts, suddenly wanting nothing more than to be alone and disappear from all of this.

Caleb is on his feet in an instant, his own mug joining Essek’s on the table. “I don’t want you punished.”

His words startle Essek into looking at him - into looking at Caleb’s haunted blue eyes, into looking at the tortured set to his brow, the pleading curve of his lips.

“I don’t want you punished,” Caleb repeats, taking a step closer to Essek when Essek doesn’t move. “Not like the Assembly.”

Essek shakes his head, feeling childishly upset. Of course Caleb would want him punished too - it's what Essek deserves for what he’s done. “So our friendship has gained me a  _ lighter _ sentence, that is -”

“That’s not what I meant,” Caleb grounds out, his tone immediately clearing up any other notion that Essek might have entertained. “What I want,” Caleb softly continues, “is for you to grow and make things better.” He reaches out to Essek before he drops his hand. “I want you to get the chance that I’ve had - to repent for what you’ve done.”

When Essek stays silent Caleb steps away, towards the foyer. “I want you to have the chance to make things better in spite of your mistakes,” he adds, voice shaking with emotion. “I want you to find your better self.” He turns away from Essek, moving out of the sitting room and towards the door.

“Where are you going?” Essek asks, his mind still reeling from Caleb’s words.

Caleb pauses. “To the Xhorhaus,” he answers. “If you would do me the favor of waiting for me before you head to the negotiations tomorrow, I would greatly appreciate it.”

Before Caleb has a chance to take another step, Essek closes the distance between the two, holding Caleb’s hand.

“Please,” Essek says quietly. “Stay.”

Surprise is written all over Caleb’s face as he turns to Essek - turns until he’s face to face with Essek, until Essek has to tilt his head up just a breath to meet Caleb’s bright blue eyes. They’re still pained, still haunted, still so deeply, deeply sad, but there’s something else there tonight. There’s something else there right now.

Caleb’s wrist feels warm beneath Essek’s fingers, and Essek is suddenly very much aware that he’s in his sleep clothes - he’d just come down for a glass of water, for Luxon’s sake. He’s in comfortable pants and a loose shirt, completely underdressed, completely unpresentable, finding out that his friends want him punished and realizing just how affected he is to find that out, and all the while Caleb is standing in front of him, holding his gaze, leaning forward just the slightest bit.

And maybe Essek has never been this close to Caleb, has never been so completely alone with Caleb, has never been so vulnerable beneath Caleb’s gaze -

It's as if every single thing that may have kept them skirting around each other for eternity suddenly vanishes in a puff of smoke as Essek’s free hand comes to rest on Caleb’s chest and Caleb’s other hand cups Essek’s face as their lips meet.

Essek would be a damn liar if he said he hadn’t fantasized about this moment more times than he would ever admit - but he certainly never imagined it happening like this, in the dead of night, at the entrance of his sitting room, with Caleb kissing him like Essek was made of glass and with the consequences of his crimes hanging over both of their heads.

“But what about -” Essek starts, pulling away from Caleb’s lips but leaning into the comforting warmth of his palm on his cheek. He was startlingly reminded of that night on the docks of Nicodranas, after he’d told them everything - about the beacons, about his treason, about his betrayal. He remembers Caleb holding him then too, holding him together like he was something precious to be handled with care and not the monster that he truly was.

Caleb shakes his head, ducking in for another kiss before he stops himself. His thumb brushes down Essek’s cheek. “Do you want this?” he asks, pulling his hand free from Essek’s grasp before he picks up Essek’s hand and presses it to his chest. “Essek, do you want this?”

Essek feels the tears that he’s been fighting to hold back blur his vision as he nods. “Yes,” he whispers.

With the gentlest touch Caleb brushes the stray tears away from Essek’s cheek before he kisses him softly. “I want this too,” he confesses, just barely pulling away.

And that’s all Essek needs to hear.

He presses into Caleb, holding onto the front of his coat tightly, bringing their lips together again. The hand on Essek’s cheek moves to the back of his head as Caleb wraps his arms around him. Essek can feel Caleb’s thundering heartbeat beneath his hands, can feel it mirroring his own erratic heart.

Essek begins to tug Caleb backwards, towards the stairs, and Caleb comes willingly, chasing Essek’s lips. When Essek feels his bare feet hit the first step he reluctantly breaks away from Caleb, quickly finding his hand and holding it tightly as he pulls Caleb along behind him.

Caleb follows for a half dozen steps before he wraps his arms around Essek’s middle, kissing the soft skin beneath Essek’s ear. Essek shivers, wanting to lean into the sensation wholly but knowing that stopping on the stairs for that would detract from getting to his room and they’re already so close -

He gives in, turning in Caleb’s arms to press his lips to Caleb’s neck before Caleb’s hands are on the back of his thighs and he’s lifting up Essek easily, with Essek, as if on instinct, wrapping his legs around Caleb’s waist.

Even though Essek wants to hide away from his own boldness, Caleb seems absolutely delighted as he pulls Essek flush to him, kissing Essek breathlessly again. Caleb carries Essek up the stairs, following Essek’s mumbled directions to the correct door that’ll take them to the walkway.

Caleb lets Essek stand on his own reluctantly, but Essek doesn’t let go of Caleb’s hand as he opens the door, pulling him along the walkway quickly and then into his chambers.

The door slams shut behind them, and Essek barely gives Caleb a chance to take in his surroundings before he’s pulling him forward, towards Essek’s bed. Essek falls back onto his bed, with Caleb hovering over him, settling between his legs, as the fabric of his canopy that Essek had moved aside falls back into place. The candles that still flicker in Essek’s room have turned into soft motes of light that keeps the room from falling into darkness.

Essek’s fingers undo the buttons of Caleb’s coat, pushing it off his shoulders. Caleb shrugs out of it, tossing it somewhere off the bed. The sound of his boots hitting the floor sounds distant compared to the shared breath that whispers between them. Hesitation brings Essek pause as his fingers brush along Caleb’s spellbook where it sits in it's holster. Caleb notices, freeing the holster’s bindings himself to carefully remove his spellbook, setting it gingerly on one of Essek’s nightstands.

For a brief moment, as Caleb leans across Essek to set his book down, Essek’s eyes drift over the leather of his holster. He’s reminded of the first time he ever saw Caleb, all bound up in a leather harness. The day his life as he knew it was completely turned on its head. The memory makes Essek smile.

“You smile more often now,” Caleb says, catching the look on Essek’s face as he takes off his holster. He moves back to hover over Essek. “It’s -” Caleb starts, his lips tugging into a smile of his own. “Contagious.”

Essek feels himself flush as he feels his heart jump to his throat as Caleb stares down at him. Essek surges up, kissing Caleb, wrapping an arm around Caleb’s shoulders and pulling him down as his other hand starts to tug on Caleb’s shirt before he pauses again.

“Is this okay?” he whispers.

Caleb reaches for Essek’s hand, for the one tugging on his shirt, and guides it to the shirt buttons. “ _ Ja _ ,” he breathes, eyes shut and resting his forehead against Essek’s. “But only if this is okay for you,” he says, his eyes so startling blue from this close when he opens them and meets Essek’s gaze.

Essek can’t find the words to answer so instead he kisses him again and again and again, because they have to make up for all that time they spent brushing past what lay between them, they have to make up for all that time they ignored that magnetic pull that inexplicably drew them together over and over and over again.

He makes quick work of the buttons of Caleb’s shirt as Caleb’s hands slide up beneath Essek’s shirt, the feeling of Caleb’s hands on his skin making Essek gasp. Essek sits up, pulling his shirt over his head and tossing it aside, noticing that Caleb has done the same when Essek looks at him and finds him shirtless, the pale expanse of his heaving chest making Essek’s mouth go dry. Scars litter his skin, a testament to everything he’s been through, and Essek wants to kiss every single one. The freckles on his face trail down his shoulders and chest, a vast array that reminds Essek of constellations in Rosohna’s sky.

And just like Essek has memorized every single one, he knows it won’t take him long to memorize every single star on Caleb’s skin.

All it takes is for Caleb to crowd back into his space for Essek to drop back onto his pillows, and Caleb hovers above Essek, looking him over unabashedly. His necklaces hang in the space between them, and Essek reaches up, his fingers wrapping around the symbol of the Bright Queen.

Caleb pulls back instinctively, but Essek puts a gentle hand to his cheek. “Just this one,” Essek whispers, tugging on the Dynasty medallion. When Caleb leans back in, Essek slowly pulls the cord over his head. The symbol weighs heavy in his palm. He props himself up with one elbow, kissing Caleb at the corner of his lips. “Don’t worry - I understand.”

The symbol of the Bright Queen slips from his fingers off the side of the bed as Caleb brings their lips together again.

Their rhythm is at the mercy of a metronome, swinging from gentle and slow to not enough, not fast enough all too quickly. The latter wins out as the kisses Caleb presses to his neck grow more insistent, and the hands that Essek has at Caleb’s shoulders are firm and unyielding, keeping him close and revelling in the skin on skin contact.

Caleb’s hands drift to Essek trousers, and when his eyes meet Essek’s, Essek breathes out a shaky, “Yes.”

He presses a kiss to Essek’s lips as his hand dips beneath the waistband of his pants and undergarments, his hand wrapping around Essek’s length. Essek loses the last shred of his composure as he moans, a sound Caleb swallows up as he deepens the kiss and gives him a small, experimental pump.

Essek pulls away to try and hide his face in his pillows, to try and keep his expressions to himself because he knows, he  _ knows _ he won’t be able to hide everything he’s feeling, that right now his face is an open book - and Caleb is a notorious speed reader.

Caleb’s other hand comes to Essek’s chin, gently turning his face back to him. “ _ Nein, liebling _ ,” Caleb tells him. He brushes his lips to Essek’s again. “Please, look at me.”

And because Essek has never been able to deny those bright blue eyes anything, because he’s never been able to deny this man what he asks, he nods, meeting Caleb’s gaze and feeling himself flush as he sees the bare want shining in Caleb’s eyes.

Caleb lets go of Essek, running a finger along his length, and Essek just barely manages to bite back a whimper at the loss of contact when Caleb slides down his body, leaving featherlight kisses in his wake - down Essek’s jaw and the hollow of his throat, down Essek’s chest and the soft skin of his stomach. Essek is so distracted by what Caleb’s lips are doing that it only registers that his trousers and pants are halfway down his thighs when the cool air of the room washes over him.

He shivers, but begins to help Caleb as he lifts up his hips and allows Caleb to pull his clothes off the rest of the way, and he only has the briefest second to be shy before Caleb plants a kiss at the corner of his bare hip, his breath ghosting over the sensitive skin there, and Essek’s senses fly out the window.

The trail of kisses that Caleb leaves from his hip to the base of his cock feels absolutely eternal. “Is this okay?” he whispers, the breath from his words alone enough to make the head of his cock weep.

Essek nods.

“I need to hear you say it, Essek,” Caleb instructs.

And his name on Caleb’s lips as Caleb presses another kiss to the base of his shaft, the stark contrast of his dark skin and Caleb’s fair face almost makes him buck his hips up into nothing.

“Yes,” Essek gets out. “Yes, Caleb -  _ yes _ .”

A pleased smile spreads across Caleb’s face - and Essek is so completely enamored by it that he almost comes undone embarrassingly fast when he feels Caleb’s tongue lick a long stripe up his shaft, from base to tip.

The strangled groan he gives encourages Caleb as Essek feels Caleb’s lips wrap around his head. Essek instinctively bucks his hips - and immediately starts to apologize when he feels Caleb smile around him, giving an amused hum that makes Essek whimper before he takes more of Essek into his mouth. Caleb’s hands are on Essek’s hips, holding him still, and even though Essek just wants to fall back and lose himself to the feeling of it all, he can’t stop looking at Caleb.

Caleb hollows his cheeks, bobbing his head up and down, taking in more and more of Essek each time he comes down.

One of his hands lets go of Essek’s hips, finding one of Essek’s hands and moving it to Caleb’s hair. He pats Essek’s hand, and when Essek cards his fingers through Caleb’s hair and gives a tiny tug Caleb gives a muffled moan that makes Essek breathless.

Tears well at the corners of Caleb’s eyes the more of Essek he takes in but he doesn’t stop, and Essek can’t stop watching as he disappears into Caleb’s lips.

He hits the back of Caleb’s throat and Essek immediately curses as Caleb, instead of letting up,  _ swallows _ . He feels the muscles of Caleb’s throat tense around him, feels that snug, wet warmth drawing him closer, and Caleb reaches up and finds the hand that Essek doesn’t have in his hair and presses it to the column of Caleb’s throat.

Essek is unsure what Caleb wants as he feels the soft lines of his throat - but then Caleb pulls back on his cock, and Essek can not only feel it inside of Caleb’s mouth, he can also feel it where his hand is pressed to the soft skin there. He can feel his length beneath the skin, and it's almost too much,  _ too much _ -

He tugs on Caleb’s hair. “Caleb,” he gasps. “Caleb - I’m so close.”

Caleb pulls off with an obscene pop, pressing a gentle kiss to the tip of Essek’s cock. “ _ Gut _ ,” he says, voice hoarse, deliciously low and wrecked from use he’s put his mouth to.

He licks a line up Essek’s length again, about to take him into his mouth once more when Essek shakes his head.

“I -” Essek starts, swallowing hard. He softly runs his hand through Caleb’s hair, bringing the other to brush his cheek. “I want to feel you.”

Realization dawns on Caleb the way Essek imagines watching the sunrise must feel - warm and soft and full of wonder.

Caleb shakily pulls himself up closer to Essek’s face. “You really want that?”

Essek nods. “But only if it's okay for you,” Essek echoes, using Caleb’s words from earlier.

“You -” Caleb gets out, pressing a kiss to Essek’s lips.

Essek can taste himself on Caleb’s tongue, a musky, heady taste that sets his mind racing as he imagines how Caleb might taste in turn.

“Make me so happy,” Caleb finishes, giving Essek a kiss on the cheek. He looks around. “Do you happen to have any, ah, oils?”

With a flick of his wrist Essek summons one that he knows sits on his desk, catching it in the air and presenting it to Caleb.

“That was quick,” Caleb smiles.

Essek feels himself blush. “This is - it's for my spellwork.” He turns his head, trying to hide in the pillows again. “But I know it's safe.”

The smile Caleb gives him is a little too knowing, but he doesn’t say anything as he pulls back, kneeling on the bed and undoing the ties of his trouser, pushing them down along with his shorts.

Essek feels his mouth water as Caleb’s length springs free, hard and weeping and thicker than his own. His eyes must go wide because as Caleb kicks off his pants he leans forward, stealing a chaste kiss from Essek.

“We’ll go at your pace the whole time,” he assures him softly.

All Essek can do is nod even though he wants to tell Caleb that even if they didn’t go at his pace, that if they went at Caleb’s instead, that he would trust Caleb to be gentle with him. He wraps his arms around Caleb’s shoulders, pulling him down to him and kissing him with a fierceness and a devotion Essek didn’t think he was capable of.

His length brushes against Caleb’s and Essek feels like he’s on fire. Caleb must feel the same as he groans, dropping his face into the crook of Essek’s neck. He plants a sloppy kiss in the curve of his skin before he settles down on his side beside Essek.

Essek begins to turn, wanting to face him, but Caleb puts a gentle hand on his chest. “Trust me?” Caleb asks, propping himself up on an elbow so that he’s looking down at Essek.

“Of course,” Essek nods without a hint of hesitation, turning his face briefly just to press a kiss on Caleb’s arm - on the skin pock marked by scars.

The smile Caleb gives him is so heartbreakingly soft that Essek feels his breath catch in his throat.

Caleb grabs one of Essek’s pillows, bringing it down between them and nudging Essek. It takes Essek a second to understand what he means before he lifts his hips and Caleb tucks the pillow beneath him. Then Caleb squeezes out some oil into the palm of his hand as he hooks his ankle with Essek’s, dragging Essek’s leg between both of Caleb’s, spreading him open. Caleb begins warming the oil between his fingers, watching Essek with hooded eyes, a warm blush coloring his pale skin.

Essek wants to avert his gaze, suddenly self conscious, but instead he leans up, pressing his lips to Caleb’s.

Caleb deepens the kiss, before pulling back a breath. “You’re beautiful,” he whispers, bringing their lips together again. His oil slicked hand palms the curve of Essek’s ass, his fingers softly tracing the sensitive skin between his cheeks before he finds Essek’s entrance and he brushes the pad of a finger to it.

Essek whimpers into the kiss, pressing his lips more insistently to Caleb’s and hoping that he’ll understand - which he thankfully does, as he presses his index finger slowly past the tight ring of muscle.

It feels foreign - the sensation strange, a brief burn of discomfort being the first thing he feels before it quickly transforms into a pleasurable heat that only grows beneath Caleb’s ministrations. Each time Caleb presses into Essek he goes a little deeper, and when he crooks his finger for the first time Essek swears he sees stars.

They continue that rhythm until Caleb is in up to his knuckle, where his finger finds the bundle of nerves that makes Essek whine and thrust his hips to meet Caleb’s hand.

But Caleb slowly pulls back, and even though Essek wants him to do it again, he doesn’t dare ask - he’ll come undone, and he still hasn’t even had Caleb the way he wants.

Instead, he whispers, “More,” - and Caleb is quick to oblige, adding a second finger as he peppers kisses to Essek’s face, to the hollow of his throat, whispering sweet words of encouragement all the while, or at least he thinks they are since they’re all in Zemnian.

It doesn’t take long before Caleb adds a third finger, and Essek is rocking against his hand, want more, wanting faster, wanting -

“Caleb,” he pants, bringing his hand to Caleb’s arm, feeling the muscles move beneath his skin as he continues to finger him. “Please - you. I want you.”

His words make Caleb still for the briefest of seconds before he leans down, pressing his lips to Essek’s - and the kiss is a little sloppy, and a touch desperate, but it's filled with so much emotion that Essek can’t help but return it with unrestrained enthusiasm.

“I want you too,” Caleb breathes against his skin, moving to press kisses to his jaw as he slowly pulls his fingers out of Essek.

Essek whimpers at the loss, and he’s about to press himself closer to him when Caleb pulls himself up from beside him, settling between Essek’s legs. Caleb finds the bottle of oil again from between the sheets, pouring some more into his hand before he tosses it off the side of the bed. He wraps his hand around himself, hissing at the coldness of it as he didn’t take a moment to warm it up, and he’s about to spread it along his length when Essek reaches out, dark fingers wrapping around heated, blushing skin.

He says nothing as he pumps Caleb’s cock slowly - once, twice, getting it coated in the oil that quickly warms between Essek’s hand and Caleb’s heated skin.

Caleb bites back a moan, and his hand shakes as he stills Essek’s movements.

“Your hands,” Caleb shakily gets out, pulling Essek’s hand from his length. He presses a feather light kiss to Essek’s wrist. “Can certainly do magic.”

Essek wants to roll his eyes and blush at the cheesy line all at the same time - but then Caleb is lining himself up to his entrance, his head much thicker than his fingers as he slowly pushes into Essek.

Tears spring to the corners of Essek’s eyes, but the initial prick of pain disappears much faster than it did the first time, and a fire races up his back as Caleb pushes the head of his cock inside.

He gives gentle, shallow thrusts, allowing Essek to get used to his size. Flames lick at the pit of Essek’s stomach, and he grows bold, wrapping his legs around Caleb’s waist and rolling his hips forward.

“ _ Scheisse _ ,” Caleb breathes out, dropping his sweat slicked forehead to Essek’s. He meets Essek’s gaze. “I think I love you, Thelyss.”

“Show me, Widogast,” Essek responds, his voice blessedly steady - a callback to all those months ago when Caleb had asked for dunamancy lessons even as his heart feels like it's about to pound out of his chest at Caleb’s words. “Because I think I love you, too, and I do not wish to be the only one.”

It's a challenge and a promise all at the same time as Caleb ducks down and kisses Essek as Essek rolls his hips to meet Caleb’s steadily quickening thrusts. Caleb finds that bundle of nerves again, and continues to find it with each stroke. Essek squeezes his eyes shut as he feels a coil of heat tighten in his belly, growing closer and closer to the breaking point.

Essek finds himself repeating Caleb’s name over and over and over again like a prayer, and, Essek thinks, as he opens his eyes to look up at Caleb. He may not be a man of prayer, may not believe in the beacon, but he believes in Caleb.

Caleb, who’s already done so much more for Essek than the beacon ever did. Caleb, who has accepted Essek, shattered, sharp edges and all. Caleb, who’s broad shoulders tense as he grips Essek’s hip with one hand and holds himself above him with the other. Caleb, who’s fiery hair has come undone, falling to frame his face, throwing into shadow the concentrated set to his brow and the heated glint of his bright blue eyes. But Essek can see in the dark - he can see every single bit of Caleb.

He can worship Caleb - would willingly put himself on his knees before him for the rest of eternity.

As Essek bucks his hips up to meet Caleb again, Caleb bottoms out inside him, his hips coming flush with Essek’s skin, and Essek feels overwhelmingly full in the best way as Caleb pulls out the barest amount before he thrusts again and again and again, his rhythm erratic, nonexistent, and then he’s kissing Essek hungrily, swallowing all of Essek’s sounds as Essek comes between them, coating his stomach and Caleb’s in pearly spend.

And this must be a form of transmutation, Essek hazily thinks, as for a second he swears he feels their hearts beat as one, feels himself completely attuned to every single part of Caleb as much as he feels - as much as he  _ knows _ that Caleb is attuned to him.

Caleb rocks into Essek and Essek takes him in like he’s meant to be there as they love each other with everything they have, with a desperation that makes Essek want to crawl into Caleb’s skin and make a home in his heart behind the safety of his ribs. And they love each other desperately, irrevocably, unabashedly in the twilight of a war that Essek was used to create, a war that would have pit them against each other had Caleb never turned his back on the Empire.

And against all odds, against all obstacles set about to keep them apart since the dawn of creation, here they are, inextricably intertwined.

He tightens around Caleb as he cries out, the wave of heat crashing over him again as Caleb comes inside of him. He’s flush against Essek, whispering Essek’s name like it's the only word that’s ever existed, the only thing that’s ever mattered.

Caleb gives another few shallow thrusts, working them through their climax before he collapses half on top of Essek. He’s breathless and shaking but he presses a kiss to Essek’s temple, soft and sweet as he slowly pulls out.

Essek gasps at the loss, now feeling strange  _ without _ Caleb inside of him.

Caleb settles down beside him again before he sits up, and Essek has a feeling he knows what Caleb might be looking for as he glances around the room.

With a mumbled incantation and a lazy wave of his hand he cleans the two of them up, vanishing the oil and spend and most of the sweat that sticks to their skin.

“You really have to teach me that one,” Caleb smiles, laying down beside Essek and pulling him into his arms.

Essek presses a kiss to Caleb’s jaw before he settles into the crook of his neck. “You are certainly a fast learner, it should be easy for you to learn it.” He trails a finger down Caleb’s chest. “Although you may need to convince me to give you more lessons.”

Caleb laughs, the sound a warm delight to Essek’s ears. He presses a kiss to the top of Essek’s head. “I’m sure I could find a way to convince you.”

They lapse into comfortable silence, just holding each other, and Essek is almost convinced Caleb has fallen asleep when Caleb says, “I’ll keep you safe - no matter what.”

“Caleb -” Essek starts.

“I’m serious,” Caleb tells him, tightening his hold around Essek. “I don’t care if it's from the Assembly or the Empire or the Dynasty or - or -”

Essek stops Caleb with a soft finger to his lips before he pulls away so that he can look into Caleb’s eyes. “Can we just -” Essek swallows. “Forget about everything else? Just for tonight?”

Caleb’s eyes soften as he nods. “Of course,” he tells him, kissing the tips of his fingers.

He holds Caleb’s gaze for a beat, seeing every single thing he’s ever felt for Caleb reflected in those blue eyes, reflected and felt  _ for him _ , despite everything he’s done, and it's a promise and a challenge for Essek to become a better man all at the same time.

“It's just the two of us,” Caleb promises, bringing a hand to cup Essek’s cheek gently. “Until sunrise.”

Essek smiles, pressing a chaste kiss to Caleb’s lips before he resettles into the crook of his neck, before he resettles into Caleb’s arms, feeling warm and happy and safe and loved in his quiet tower in the sunless city of Rosohna.

**Author's Note:**

> and there you have it!!! I have no words honestly!!! I'm mortified that I found the courage to put this up!!!
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading, I really hope you guys liked it!!


End file.
